Article: Is it R.I.P. for the RSVP? What to do when guests don't reply to invitations

Is it R.I.P. for the RSVP? What to do when guests don't reply to invitations
By Jesse Tarbert, Seattle Times staff reporter


If you're hosting a party:

• RSVP is an abbreviation for the French phrase "Repondez s'il vous plait," which means "please reply" (You shouldn't write "Please RSVP").

• If you want your guests to respond to your invitation, write "RSVP" at the bottom of the invitation, on the left side.

• To give your guests time to respond, send your invitations at least two weeks before the party; but no earlier than four weeks — the invitations might get lost.

• If the event is further away than that, send a "save the date" or "hold this date" card to keep your guests from making other plans — no RSVP required. Then, two to four weeks before the event, mail your invitations.

• For kids' parties, you should mail the invitations or hand-deliver them to the guests' parents. If you leave it up to the kids, you can't be sure the invitations are received.

• If you're worried your guests won't know what "RSVP" means, it's acceptable to use an English equivalent, such as "the favour of an answer is requested," or less formally "please reply."

• If you want people to respond by phone, or to an address different from the one on the printed elsewhere on the invitation, put the number or the address under "RSVP to."

• You can also add a cut-off date after "RSVP by" if you want to give your guests a little extra prodding.

• Include an RSVP card and envelope if you want to make it even easier for your guests.

• If you're hosting a large party, you can add "Regrets only" after "RSVP"; but beware, these two words can make your guest list even less reliable.

• A week before the party (or after your cut-off date), feel free to call people who haven't responded and ask if they received the invitation and if they plan to attend.

If you get an invitation:
• "Ideally, people should reply within one week," says etiquette expert Deborah King.

• If you can't attend, King suggests either of these polite excuses: "I'm going to be out of town" or "I will be unable to attend due to a prior engagement."

• If you have to change plans, even at the last minute, call the host.

Theresa Fazekas learned the hard way.

First the baby shower when she expected 30 guests, but 44 showed up. "It's been four years and I'm still holding a grudge," she laughs. Then came the Christmas tea party last year, when she expected 13 guests, but had only a dozen place settings. She bought an extra set, only to have one guest skip it. And then, this past summer, the wedding shower where Fazekas planned to serve elegant boxed lunches. One guest wanted to bring her two sisters, who weren't on the guest list. A gracious hostess, Fazekas said yes and prepared the extra meals (at considerable expense). The woman and her sisters no-showed.

Fazekas enjoys entertaining. She gives two or three holiday parties each December and her North Tacoma home has been the scene of many dinner parties. But she's added an extra step to her party routine. She makes the guest list, sends the invitations, plans the menu and decorations — then she gets on the phone to people who haven't RSVPed.

"I call people and ask them if they're coming," she said. Local etiquette instructor Dawn DeGroot estimates that only 50 percent of invitations bearing the letters RSVP are actually answered these days.

DeGroot — she likes to be called Mrs. DeGroot — runs Wallingford Charm School where she teaches manners to children, teens and the occasional university business class. he has a message for invitees who don't RSVP: "Come on! Wake up! Answer your mail!" she says, the exasperation from countless unanswered invitations audible in her voice. "It's just a courtesy that is so necessary," she explains. "It's really important to the person giving the party."

She acknowledges that people's lives are busy, and that invitations can get buried as the mail piles up. But that's no excuse for failing to RSVP. "Put that invitation right by the phone so that you can remember to do it," she says.

The worst offenders

Even worse than people who don't RSVP at all, DeGroot says, are those who RSVP to say they are coming, but then don't show up. And how about guests who don't RSVP, but then show up anyway? For parties that feature informal dining, such as buffets, DeGroot recommends preparing 25 percent more food, just in case unanticipated guests arrive.

Deborah King runs Final Touch Finishing School, which offers etiquette classes in Seattle, Dallas and around the country. If the meal is informal, King suggests dealing graciously with unannounced guests. "Go ahead and have them come in and be a part of the event," she says. But if it's a formal sit-down meal and you haven't had an RSVP from that guest, let them know that you won't be able to accommodate them. "I know that may sound harsh," she says. "But actually the person that is being rude is the person that didn't RSVP." She adds, laughing: "You might tell them they look great and suggest a nice restaurant for dinner."

A growing problem

King said the troubles with RSVPs are only getting worse. "It is very sadly the truth," she says. Like DeGroot, King estimates the average rate of response to be about 50 percent. Because "many people don't know what RSVP means," King advocates writing "Please reply by," followed by a date. After the reply-by date has passed, King suggests calling the guests who haven't replied.

King and DeGroot both see the current decline in etiquette as a legacy of cultural changes during the 1960s and 1970s. But arbiters of etiquette, it seems, have always been engaged in a rear-guard battle against the unmannered.

The opening sentence of the 1929 edition of "Vogue's Book of Etiquette," for example, reads: "In a day when manners are said to be in less evidence than ever they were, one might naturally ask why a new book of etiquette need be written. ... "
And the use of RSVP itself was seen as a sign of decline. In a chapter about invitations and entertaining, the editors of Vogue write: "The letters R.S.V.P. are not necessary between good-mannered people. It is understood that one answers a dinner invitation and, in general, any invitations that 'request the pleasure.' "

A few pages later, they write: "All well-brought up people know, as we have said, that a request is something to which a reply is expected."

Gradual decline of RSVPs

During the Golden Age of etiquette, invitations were hand-delivered, and replies were a matter of course. The first step toward our present level of decay, apparently, came during the 19th century, when hostesses began entrusting invitations to the postal service. Later, even more informality arrived with the popularization of the telephone. Now a new medium has etiquette experts arching their eyebrows.

Noting the growing popularity of e-mail invitations and online services such as Evite, DeGroot says: "It sort of puts me off a little bit, but I understand that we're in a new time."

According to spokeswoman Kristen Wareham, Evite has about 5 million registered users who use the site (www.evite.com) to send invitations for a variety of events. Most of the users are young. According to company data, half are between the ages of 25 and 34, and only 12 percent are older than 45. When would-be guests receive an Evite, they are presented with a reply box, where they can check either "Yes," "No," or an option that is sure to make etiquette experts shudder: "Maybe." Invitees can also post comments and indicate how many guests they will bring. Meanwhile, hosts can monitor the responses, and even tell if someone has viewed the invitation without responding.

Despite the informality of web-based invitations, the ease with which guests can respond to an Evite might suggest, perhaps, a new era for RSVPing. According to Wareham, Evite users send about 8 million invitations per month. The average response rate is 63 percent, considerably higher than the 50 percent rate for paper invitations estimated by DeGroot and King.

Jennifer Gouine used Evite to organize a Halloween cocktail party that she hosted in her University District apartment. It was her first time using Evite for one of her own parties. She planned to serve finger foods and drinks, so it was important to know how many guests would attend. She invited 12, and all but three replied, she says. Evite's features allowed her to see which guests weren't responding, and she was able to nail them down. If she were to host a more formal party, she says, she might use written invitations, but Evite is convenient. "It's just so easy."

Copyright © 2003 The Seattle Times Company

Wedding Ettiquette From An Author's Perspective (Article)

Don’t Be Rude: Part IV, Weddings

Continuing with her series on etiquette, Margaret Berry explains why you can’t ask your wedding guests to pay for your mortgage, or their own drinks.

I’m about to outline some of the more common wedding etiquette missteps. Before I do I should tell you that by the time you read this, I will have been to five weddings this season. Please note that none of my dear friends have committed any of the social blunders I’m about to mention. If they did do anything wrong, I was far too overcome with joy to notice. However, I’m quite sure they didn’t, because they’re perfect.

Now for the rest of you.

Engagement
I’m not sure how things got turned around, but the correct way to ask for someone’s hand in marriage is to first ask your beloved, and then to ask for a parental blessing. Asking her parents beforehand makes it much more embarrassing if she turns you down, it’s also an uncomfortable way to find out that they never really liked you.

If luck is on your side, the champagne will flow freely during your engagement. When friends raise their glasses you and your affianced should smile brightly and keep your hands folded in your laps. Drinking to oneself is immodest; no matter how much you like champagne.

If you decide he’s not for you, decency demands that you return the engagement ring. If you find out he’s been having an affair with his secretary, self-respect demands that you return the engagement ring, albeit in a more spirited manner. If your wedding is canceled, return any gifts as well.

When choosing attendants, remember that they don’t need to line up symmetrically. If one of you has more friends, so be it. Better to upset the photographer than your old dorm mate.

Invitations
Most couples decide they want a sumptuous sit-down dinner and then cut their guest list until it bleeds. These people are going about things backward. Your guest list should determine the scale of your event instead of the other way around. Trim the decorating budget and the seven-course menu. An abundance of friends is much more charming than an abundance of flowers.

Once you have a basic list, there are a few things to keep in mind. First, you must invite both halves of a socially recognized couple. Those who are married, engaged, or living together count as social units. You may not have the company of one without the other, even if this particular other is a jerk. Second, you get to decide whether you want to invite children. Guests who express annoyance that their children aren’t included are the same ones who will let them scream through the ceremony.

There’s a lot of room for error with invitations. It’s helpful to think of them as petite social landmines with quaint wax seals. Send them four to six weeks out.

A few things you shouldn’t include in the envelopes:

The tissues that come with engraved invitations. They’re meant to protect the ink from smudging before the invitations are delivered to you. Including them in the envelope is rather like wearing a plastic poncho over your dress so as not to ruin it for a really special occasion.

Registry cards. Gifts should always seem to come as a pleasant surprise. This is what is known as a ‘polite fiction,’ emphasis on polite. You can tell people where you’ve registered, but only if they’ve asked, and only if you can manage to dim that spark in your eye.

RSVP cards. These imply that your guests wouldn’t otherwise take the time to respond. Unfortunately, the same cretins who don’t respond to wedding invitations won’t bother to mail back your RSVP cards. Etiquette permits you to beat these people senseless.

There are a few guidelines for invitees as well.
You don’t get to bring a guest unless you’re specifically invited to do so. You also don’t get to complain about not being invited to do so. It’s time you learned to mingle and socialize like a big kid. If your spouse or significant other can’t make it, you may not bring a friend in his or her place (much as you may not exchange the invitations for the price of your dinner and do something more fun with the money).



Attire
I know you think black bridesmaid dresses look sharp, and you’re having an evening wedding anyway, and you’re trying to choose a dress they’ll wear again. The answer is still no. In American culture, black is associated with mourning and loss, two emotions you’re not trying to inspire in anyone except his ex-girlfriend.

Though attendants on either side can be any sex, they should still dress to suit their gender. This means if your bridesmaids are wearing blue dresses the groom’s female attendants should wear blue dresses as well. Making the groom’s female attendants dress in novelty tuxedos is awful unless you have a tap routine planned for the recessional.

Either the event is formal, or it’s not. The bridal party’s attire should reflect the same level of formality as that of the guests. It makes no sense to have the guests in suits and the groom in a tuxedo. It makes even less sense to have the groomsmen in black tie and the groom in white tie.

Female guests shouldn’t wear white, lest they look as though they’re competing with the bride. Neither should they wear black, unless they’re mourning for her.

Ceremony
As mentioned earlier, it is untrue that all of the bridal attendants must be women and that everyone on the groom’s side must be a man. If the groom has a sister, she should stand on his side. If the bride has known Tommy since she was three, why would he stand next to the groom?

The custom of giving away the bride should be altered to suit your particular situation. If your mother raised you, she should do the honors. If a grandparent raised you, it would be sweet to ask him or her to accompany you.

Have a receiving line after the ceremony. It’s the only way to guarantee that every guest is introduced to all of your family and attendants, and the only way to ensure that you’ll have a chance to speak with sweet Aunt Thelma who traveled all the way from Florida. It’s also the best way to catch sneaky guests who skip the ceremony and show up for the food.

Your guests’ comfort takes precedence over your scrapbook. Don’t delay your arrival at the reception by scheduling a photo session just after the ceremony. If you must have a few post-ceremony photos, keep the shoot duration to less than 20 minutes.

Reception
Look at how embarrassed the bride is! How hilarious to see the groom’s head up her skirt, removing the garter with his teeth. Isn’t it sweet how she blushes at this reenactment of marital consummation? No, it’s vulgar. Cut it out. If you’re going to toss a garter, at least remove it in private.

Technically—technically—you’re supposed to leave your wedding before your guests do. The bride should change into a smart little traveling suit so everyone can pelt the happy couple with rice and then go home to get some sleep. This never happens. Instead, older guests hang on as long as they can, halfheartedly toss a palm full of rice at the couple, who are busy shimmying on the dance floor, and retreat to the quiet of their hotel rooms.

If you can’t afford alcohol, don’t make your guests pay for it. Provide what refreshment you can afford, and forget the cash bar. And, you, guests: The hosts are in charge of the leftovers. If you decide that it’s a shame to let so much food go to waste, you may be informed coldly (as you’re filling makeshift doggie bags) that the bride and groom have arranged for the extra food to be donated to a homeless shelter.

Gifts
Guests who receive invitations to weddings that they won’t be able to attend are not obligated to send a gift, but they should send a congratulatory note. The same is true of wedding announcements.

Gifts are properly sent to the couple’s home before the wedding or up to one year afterward. This way, the newlyweds needn’t worry about renting a truck to cart the gifts home, and you have a year to make sure that the marriage will take. This is a handy thing to know.

The horrible idea that the price of one’s wedding gift should roughly equate to what the bride and groom spent on your dinner is untrue, but it continues to be propagated by people who spend too much on their weddings. On the other hand, a guest’s transportation to the wedding doesn’t count as a gift to the couple. So cough up that toaster, buddy.

Also false is the notion that guests must choose a gift from the couple’s registry. While registries are helpful for those who don’t know the couple’s tastes, it is a compliment if a guest takes the time to pick something more personal—even if that something is yet another crystal flower vase.

Registries are the limit of how much a couple may direct gift giving. You may not indicate that you would prefer cash, request donations to your mortgage fund, take up a honeymoon collection, or even mention that you’d rather the money go to charity. Any attempt to direct generosity looks greedy. Coincidentally, it also makes guests feel less generous.

After the bride and groom have opened a gift, they have about three minutes to write a thank-you note. That includes the time it takes to cackle over the crocheted toilet-paper cozy with Barbie Doll topper. There’s no etiquette rule specifying that the bride must write all of the thank-you notes. Gentlemen, take up your pens.

While we’re on the subject, a few things that don’t count as proper gratitude: verbal thanks, postcards from the honeymoon, and those terrible preprinted cards that quack, ‘Your generosity is appreciated.’

Happily Ever After
It doesn’t matter who is paying the bills—weddings are family affairs. So if you want a nudist ceremony, you might want to run that by your parents first so they can opt out. And if Uncle Murf dies on the day of the wedding, you can go ahead with your solemn ceremony, but you should cancel the reception out of respect.

Like any good party or celebration, the objective of your wedding reception is to cater to guests’ needs and make sure that everyone is having a good time. Couples who run around screeching, ‘It’s our special day!’ ultimately deserve one another.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
TMN Contributing Writer Margaret Mason’s first book No One Cares What You Had for Lunch: 100 Ideas for Your Blog comes out this month. You’ll also find her on her personal site Mighty Girl and her award-winning shopping blog Mighty Goods.
Also by Margaret Berry
The Last-Minute Mother's Day Gift Guide (How To)
Valentine’s Gift Guide (Opinions)
Twenty Gifts That Go Easy on Your Budget (Opinions)